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Tuesday, September 20, 2023
Mood: Thoughtful
Listening to: Gay Aunt Jane's Cathartic Purge of Piss & Vinegar - GAJ X 4Lung

wow haha hi whoops it's been exactly a month since i last posted ^_^" uhh basically i had to take on extra hours at work, so that i can watch my bank account get below $10 every week instead of overdrafting. i want a miracle to happen. can i pick the miracle? i want $5,000 deposited into my bank account for no reason at all, with no strings attached. i've ran out of all my slack all at once - savings gone, so i keep working more and more, while chores pile up around me and i can't do it all. and every time i think i might be catching up, i end up getting sick and needing to cancel my shifts, and spending all that free time coughing shit up and sleeping on piles of laundry instead of doing anything fun or productive. in an effort to stop being sick i've taken a big break from smoking, which i've been meaning to do for a while. it's easier now that i have ADHD meds, so i don't need to be stoned to do anything at all, and yknow i still have edibles of course.

all this stress (and also the ADHD meds?) have me putting my ocs in the torment box so i can feel a bit better. plus, i have a lot of time to think about things while i'm out collecting shopping carts, which i've been doing a lot of lately. i've been working on what i hope will become a zine featuring Yarrow and Vevina, set to the lyrics of "Sorrow" by Flyleaf, so the two of them are quite on my mind.
so i bring to you some tidbits about them and then im going to bed cuz its super late <3 nite!!!

Vevina Sparklebeast: shy, awkward, always carrying a notebook around in case she is struck with the urge to write. She loves to sing but is too shy in front of others, so she practices bass guitar instead. She often takes things too seriously and has a hard time expressing her softer side to others.

Vevina was born with her vivid pinks and blues, and around the age of 7 her angel-like wings began to grow in. She sticks out like a sore thumb among the usual earth-toned pelts. She's a cat, but her muzzle is a bit longer and more square, with large, fluffy paws and ears similar to a maine coon. At 5'10" with two gigantic wings and extra fluff, people often mistake Vevina for a wolf.
She often wishes she could disappear into the background. Growing up, she begged her parents for fur-dye jobs and wing removal, but they refused. As she gets older she understands why, though it doesn't soften the blow of being bullied until the day of graduation.
When she was a child learning to fly, wings were regarded as a gross curiosity. They're caused by a gene that can skip a generation or two, so wingless parents can be surprised when their child gets nubs on their back. They take 6-12 months to grow to a usable size, and build muscle in the wings before achieving their first true flight. It's not exceedingly rare to have wings, but it has become less common over time.
Slowly, skyspace laws are introduced to limit freedom of movement. News media begins to run wild with opinion pieces on how wings are a privileged class destroying the economy, since they can travel long distances without making someone else money, and they are painted as burdens on society. Skyspace is now patrolled by cops wearing jetpacks, to prevent flyers from "endangering aircraft". Conspiracy theorists hint that winged people aren't people at all, and are either a race they've failed to differentiate from their own thus far, or are from an alien society. Wings are now required to be bound in public. Businesses are allowed to turn away customers with visible wings. Ads for wing removal focus on how "freeing" it is to live life without them.
Vevina often has to deal with society's discomfort at her body. She flies to the store late at night, to avoid being seen in the light, and to be around the least amount of people possible. One night, as she emerged from the woods she had discreetly landed in, she found herself surrounded by a group who'd heard her land while they were smoking in the parking lot. They tore off one of her wings to take flying away from her, and left one that would still mark her as different. Later it regrows as a bat wing, but that's another story...

Vevina has a super big crush on someone named Yarrow, because he's older and cooler and androgynous and confident and mysterious and talented...

Yarrow Gravehaus: outgoing, overconfident, flirtatious, loyal to friends, has one single brain cell, knows how to command the attention of a room/stage and uses this ability to make his livings. He is the lead vocalist and frontman of the band Vivisection, and Vevina is the bassist.
Yarrow was born very plain but striking, a gray cat with piercing yellow eyes and white hair. His bat wings emerged at the age of 5. When he noticed the nubs on his back, his own excitement was quickly tempered by his parents' concern and disgust. They insisted on him wearing bulky coats to keep them covered up at school. They booked him a wing removal appointment, but it wouldn't take place for another two years, so Yarrow spent those years learning to fly on his own. One day he was told he was going to the dentist, and they would need to put him to sleep to fix his teeth. He woke up later, flat on his back, without his wings.
A few years later, as he's falling asleep, a house fire breaks out from a candle left too close to a curtain. Yarrow's dad became trapped while trying to rescue him, and both of them suffered severe burns all over their bodies. Yarrow received emergency skin grafts that saved his life. His dad, however, gave up his life protecting his child from as much of the fire as he could. As his last option he had to put complete faith in being rescued by firefighters, and simply endure.

Sometimes Yarrow wakes up in a cold sweat at night, but throws the sheets off, feeling his father's unbearably tight, blazing hot embrace.
After his dad's passing, his mother became more and more distant, as she took on increasing amounts of work to pay off the various debts his death left her with. Yarrow, unaware of the family finances, is convinced she blames him for their loss.
He doesn't see any beauty in his body. It's not the irregular fur, or his hair, though he dyes it green for fun. To him, living without his wings is being forced to live as someone he's not. He can see that his life is easier than those who keep their wings, but at what cost? As he gets older, bi-curious emo girls find him VERY attractive due to his effeminate, slender build, even-toned speaking voice, and the way he wears his hair over one eye - it makes them melt when he does the bangs-flip and makes eye contact with both eyes!
He feels validated by people expressing attraction to him so he leans into it, finding his footing as a fling who will bring the weed if they'll pay for a room or have a place. But he doesn't find connection, he doesn't find someone who can relate to what he's gone through, someone who doesn't expect him to live this lie forever. He doesn't know how to get his wings back, so how can he even escape this? Maybe it's impossible.
He only tops, and puts his shirt back on as soon as they're done, worried about the visible scars on his back...

Yarrow thinks Vevina is super cute, his type absolutely is quiet girls with square jawlines and husky voices. At first, he doesn't think much of her, besides being in awe of her wings. He starts to feel extra protective of her because he responds weirdly to her self-deprecation. She can't take a compliment, and deflects with something to the effect of "it's not that good really" every time. Yarrow takes it upon himself to combat this with as many compliments as he can.

Monday, August 21, 2023
Mood: WTF
Listening to: my fav asmr video of all time (Mean Italian Designer Measuring You)

i have been smoking weed for 5yrs now ok? when i first got a tiny little bubbler i changed the water every 4 bowls or so bc that shit gets gross and i would clean the bowl itself with alcohol + cotton swabs every time before i packed a new one.
i used to work at a piercing shop that sold "smoking" ""accessories"" (we don't say "bong" in here, it's a vase). during my 8 months there you would not believe the horrifying stories i have heard about people's smoking habits. someone came in to buy a Vase and told me they decided to get their own bc their roommate offered his bong to them, and he had not changed the water in so long that it was clogging when they saw him try to pull on it. what the fuck????? UNACCEPTABLE. THE WATER IS FUCKING FREE IT COMES OUT OF YOUR SINK!!!! i just changed the water in my bong and cleaned out the bowl, and even though i didn't bother doing anything more than a rinse, it's WAY better than... UGH... URGH!!!!!!! IT'S SO GROSS... who would do such a thing... i don't even wanna think about it anymore -__-;

we also burned the weed cookies earlier :( we even had to go through the trouble of turning the flower into butter and everything and we were trusted with 1 batch of dough and ours fucking burnt TT__TT we were watching naruto so either the timer never went off or we just never heard it. IT IS TRAGIC AND FUCKED UP! i was so hyped to eat those!!! so i uh, ate 3 of the least burnt cookies (lying to myself) (they were all extremely burnt and i'm mourning dramatically). they were so burnt that the weed in them did damn near nothing. SIGH... oh well, first world problems and all that. counting my blessings, the smoke alarm didn't go off for some reason, but it's usually so sensitive that it would scream about a piece of well-done toast.
SIDE NOTE: i learned shockingly recently that you can reach up and turn off the smoke alarm. you don't have to wait until the smoke clears and the alarm stops. you dont have to stand on a chair frantically waving a towel trying to clear the smoke away from it while your ears are in pain from the shrill shrieking of the alarm. do you understand my pain? do you understand my suffering? when my wife slightly burned some hamburger buns and i groaned and ran to grab a towel to start fanning, but my girlfriend who is a few inches taller than either of us just reaches up and it magically stops. immediately. i'm confounded. i'm staring with my mouth open. what the fuck did you just do? "i turned it off," she says nonchalantly. what? what do you mean? you can just turn it off? "you can just turn it off." every smoke alarm ever, even like really old ones that probably aren't up to code that a shitty landlord would use, even those, all of them, you can just...turn it off? "yes." this happened i think about a month ago and i'm really truly not fucking over it. i was even prepared to use my knowledge this time . i am too small to reach the smoke alarm even on a chair, only my wife can reach it by using her cane to hit it. so if it goes off while i'm home by myself i guess i am simply subject to pain and misery despite the new burden of my knowlegde that something better is possible! that this suffering was meaningless all this time! and yet it still torments me! i beg of you , release me! let me take out the batteries without violating my lease and shut this thing up for good! luckily i'm incapable of cooking, so on the rare occasion i am home alone, i'm likely ordering in, or using the microwave if i'm feeling brave.

hey also i made some art check it out:

i made this because i do exactly this. every day. numbers? i hardly know her- *is shot dead*

i'm working on remaking my art gallery so keep an eye out for that! i'm also gonna go decorate the webring widget on my homepage so also check that out :D byebye~!

Thursday, August 10, 2023
Mood: Happy
Listening to: graverobbing - leroy

lotsa things going on and off of the website! first off i joined a webring :D ive always wanted to be in one but i only ever make personal sites so i never knew which kind i should join , luckily this one is literally just for fun <3 the person i guess you could call the ringmaster (????? lol idk XDD) emailed me to let me know the links on my front page didnt work, something about SCM player was fucking with my whole site and making it display as a frame. soo i went ahead and moved the player to its own separate page, sorry its just a little bit of javascript which i try not to use but i couldnt resist making the webpage small and cute and cozy. i might make many many small pages like that for each genre/playlist i want to feature, but that wont be til waaaayy later, and only if i cant figure out a better way to embed audio to my site. i could theoretically host mp3s on my site, but im hesitant to do too much of that cuz im scared of getting my shit taken down without warning !!! plus i would have to be paying for neocities supporter - which i used to and i would like to again at some point! it just can't be right now is the thing. audio files of any sort are not allowed for free users to upload, and that's understandable, to prevent exactly the kind of thing i would be doing if i were paying for supporter - hosting hundreds and hundreds of copyrighted mp3 files just to have funny music on my site because my autism demands it. sooo i might stick to using SCM player for this for the time being. if i were to create my own music, however, i would absolutely host that on my site !!!! it's an eventual goal of mine.

i got signed up for and piclog, both very cute little sites im enjoying a lot !! 10/10 would recommend!n is quite a bit more polished than piclog currently is, piclog is absolutely scuffed and deserves its own blogpost on all the quirks you can expect to encounter if you try customizing your profile. dont get me wrong, thats my favorite thing about it right now xD i loved getting to figure it out! its exactly the reason i like making webpages and why i liked tumblr themes so much! take a lewk : (click image to see full res)

ah that reminds me i drew art! here it is in full quality!

vevina as emo anime girl

i had sooo so so so much fun making this one !! i love the emo anime girl she has had so much of an impact of my life, i had to pay homage to her and her icon status at some point. i think i want to redo it digitally and make it my blog header :D

auxie selfie

i needed to jst make something very fun to get out of my weird art funk so hehe cat take foto

i think thts all from me for today, im off to make a blingee to decorate my music page~~ sayonara <333 "\(^_^)

Tuesday, August 1, 2023
Mood: Focused
Listening to: naruto shippuden filler arc in the background

been making buttons! lots and lots of 81x33 buttons! check it out!

the konata ones i made just cuz i like the gif and she's cute ^_^ when i exported it from photopea it got SUPER fucked up so i had to export each individual frame and put it into ezgif but i think the corrupted one looks cool in its own way so its a happy accident :3

i feel like im on the motherfucking GRIND to complete my website, today i made the archive page and next up is the links page, which is what i'm making all these buttons for~! very last will be a rework of the gallery page just because that will be A Whole Thing. i'll need to make dropdown menus and shit. but most importantly i should probably draw something new to put in there -w-;; i work real slowly cuz i dont know the fundamentals and im just kind of...going for it? i def want to draw some things i can feature as headers so i can do different character-themed layouts for each page :D i think vevina as the blog header and yarrow in the cds header would be fun

oh fuck off i just realized the buttons are different sizes because its supposed to be 88x31 NOT 81x33 WHAT WAS I THINKING?!?!?!! AAGHHH

Sunday, July 30, 2023
Mood: Frustrated
Listening to: Nimrod (1997) - Green Day

"i am allergic to agab terminology. 'afabs need to stop this shit' yeah no you are doing some rancid gender essentialist shit right now" is what i posted on tumblr and that seems to be resonating with a lot of people. i'm really glad to see some agreement, even a little bit, because lately the amount of gendered language from the trans community has felt quite overwhelming, which is surprising considering the source. i hate the concept of "AGAB", there is no reason to continue using it that i can see and especially no reason to refer to other people with the terms "AMAB" or "AFAB". it's like, the "correct" way to refer to people as male or female, so it's pretty transparent what people mean when saying something like "AMABs need to stop this shit" - that's easy to recognize as transphobia. why is it then, seemingly okay for trans people to say "AFABs need to stop this shit"? neither "AMAB" nor "AFAB" are coherent groups of people, politically or medically. and they're not nouns either. i am not "assigned female at birth," it was an action that was done to me, and it does not reflect the reality of my life or my personhood. why then is it ok to repaint transphobia with these words and use it against each other?! why am i seeing "AFABs" said with the same tone and context of "SJW" and "tucute", but anyone who uses "AMAB" the same way is immediately pointed out as an obvious terf. lately it seems ""AFABS"" or "TMEs" are not to be taken seriously as trans people, or treated with any respect as human beings, period.

y'know, i was honestly going to find an example of what i mean, but while i was looking for a specific post, i came across a completely unrelated person complaining about "AFABs" and "cuntboys", which is just...nope, absolutely fucking not, just because you're trans doesn't mean you get to speak about other trans people that way, that is BEYOND disrespectful and disgusting. i'm seriously so angry that i'm ending this post early and logging off. holy shit i did not expect to see the quiet part said out loud like that.

Wednesday, July 26, 2023
Mood: Celebratory

i have officially launched the new home page! redesigned the cds page as well! it will need a major rework eventually... i have bought so many cds since i moved, but i haven't had a working cd player this whole time, so i haven't listened to any of them! it's frustrating! hopefully i will be able to get one SOON! i want to have a decent one, finding cheap ones that suck absolute shit is easy but finding a mid-range one is so difficult these days, the high-end ones are intimidatingly expensive and i do not need a $500 cd player, can't i get one that just *works* and has decent functions and sound?! ;__; i bought one from cashies but the laser is weak and it's buried beneath an ipod dock so i don't feel confident abt changing it out myself... anyway, besides the amount of cds that i haven't been able to add to the catalog, i wonder if it's necessary to move it to an XML spreadsheet so it can be dynamically loaded (like this). but idek if i'll ever have so many cds that i need to bother doing that? i collect pretty slowly because i prefer to buy things secondhand, unless they JUST came out. i might end up with like 200 cds max, and thats still a LOT of cds, but i think it's also not an unreasonable amount of text to have on a single webpage, especially with the buttons.

in other news i bought a pair of camo pants from the op shop and they make me look REEEEAAALLLYYYY DYKEY, it's great! definitely gonna be a long-time favorite of mine, unless i gain even the slightest amount of weight, cuz theyre pretty tight as-is and i am not confident at sewing, i am not gonna take out my clothes to be more comfortable i am so scared of fucking them up )": right now im chillin with my girlfriend and wife and we're gettign REAL stoned =w= kts geting late and im sleepyyyy

Monday, July 24, 2023
Mood: Productive
Listening to: "sleepwalk station" - frums

i am simultaneously ecstatic and utterly defeated. at first i was determined to build my own website completely from scratch, because i love messing around with code so so much, but i have admitted that i need help and have spent a few days jazzing up a free-to-use layout. SIGH TT_TT but you know what? THIS IS GREAT ACTUALLY! i just want to use my damn website and the layout WORKS and it's nice and responsive so it looks great !!!!! responsive web design is not my strong coding knowledge is rly quite limited. most of my process involves opening up a new tab and looking up some shit like "css grid layout generator" after trying and failing to understand W3Schools explanation. whatever, honestly. the tools are there for me to use and fuckin somebodys gotta use them!!! i am really excited to finally use my neocities ^_^ ive made so many different websites that were basically just giant "about me" pages and swore to myself i would expand them...and i never did...because coding is hard </3 i'm more determined this time to USE it rather than MAKE it. a lot of tumblr's recent moves have me concerned for the future of the website so, i figured it's best for me to have a space of my own. they're gonna "collapse reblogs" - uncertain if that means they're re-structuring the way reblogs work entirely or if it's a re-work of the "collapse long posts" feature (which is already shit and barely works, something with 4 single-sentence reblogs is NOT a long post come on now) either way, it's what the site is built on. tumblr, you are removing a load bearing wall and the ceiling is gonna come down on all the fleeing twitter users you are trying to capture. they're also promising to focus more on "algorithmic feeds" as per "standard industry practices" which...ahhhh that HURTS!!!! i'm here because i fucking hate algorithms! i want to decide what i do and do not see! i'm on this stupid website because i don't like "standard industry practices" THAT IS THE WHOLE POINT! and the constant flagging of trans people as "mature content" simply for being trans... oh and if you try to appeal any of the posts, you might just get your entire account deleted instead with no fucking warning. no thanks!

my hope is that i can spit my thoughts out here and focus more on creating things rather than silently sharing things. i am uncertain how social neocities can be though... i have put up a comment widget in the hopes that a few ppl might reach out. been thinking about joining some forums too! it has been SO many years since i've signed up for one of those omg.. i've seen talk of a babyfur forum that might be fun to join ^_^ i am not a babyfur myself but they are my friends! i'd rather hang out in a space explicitly FOR them than in a generic "furry" space, where i might get an internet mob sicced on me for associating with diaper fetishists and age regressors. man the amount of stupid discourse in a community meant for freaks and weirdos is so ridiculous...ugh, i won't get into all of it right now, but if you're not familiar with the history of the Burned Furs, you really should be, cuz this bullshit never went away and continues leaking into every single fandom ever. i have ZERO tolerance for this sort of pearl-clutching vigilante behavior, it gets people fucking killed.

anyway! i'm just trying to write lots and lots so i can make a huge entry and see if it gets contained/scrolls properly, i'm still not done with the blog css. whenever i hit like 20 posts or so on this page, i'll move the entries to an archive that is sorted by year and month. i had to look through a lot of different neocities to see how other people are running their blogs - it can be quite difficult to maintain them after a few months of entries, just because ya gotta do everything manually. i used to use zonelets, which is fantastic for serious long-form blogs i.e. writing thinkpieces and reviewing things, but i disliked that all the entries were behind a title. i wanted something that felt a little more social. eventually i came across cabbagesorter's website, and i loved being able to see all the entries at at a glance, while each monthly archive displays the posts in full AND with different themes for each one! very cute! very easy to maintain! makes the blog feel more approachable, i think. plus, if you go into someone's archive, i think you're already committed to reading entire posts from them, rather than just skimming to see what they're like. i love an excuse to do different layouts !!! and yes i am putting a mood/listening to status not because i'm copying cabbagesorter, but because i used to journal my heart out on deviantArt back in the day, and i have an adorable set of emotes i've been waiting all this time to use!!! put this in ur siggy if u miss :onfire: emote